Why do I have sex? Well I don’t, remember? So let’s rethink this question.

Why do I NOT have sex? It’s a question I’ve been asked in exasperation before. But it is a tough one to answer.

For a long time, it was because of God. It was because I was raised in a conservative, religious household. I didn’t get a sex talk telling me that sex is totally natural. I was afraid of sex, boys and my own body. Things changed when I got to college and I realized that who I am as a person probably doesn’t align with those small town teachings.

The thing is, I don’t really know what my rule for sex is since I abandoned the no-premarital-sex rule. If anything, I think it’s being comfortable enough with someone to let my guard, and my clothes, down completely. I have yet to be comfortable enough with someone to be all, “Hey, here is my completely naked body and I don’t feel insecure or vulnerable in this moment at all.”

While I no longer fear the wrath of an angry god, I think I am still afraid of my body and of sex. I don’t know what sex means. Does it have to mean anything? I hope not. What is some guy going to say when I do get comfortable enough to be completely naked? What if my body is weird?

So I’m a late bloomer. I know I’m slow on the self-esteem roll. But it’s hard to love all parts of yourself when those parts are consistently ignored and shamed as a tool for evil.  

One rule I know I’ll be following: no sex until I can love my body and he can too.