Fabulous Frank: Oral sex

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Daily Texan Comics

Fabulous Frank runs every Wednesday evening in Life & Arts.

Fabulous Frank

I’m not a huge fan of blow jobs. This may come as a shock to you.

Blow jobs, especially in gay world, are about as commonplace as an immature Amanda Bynes tweet. Let’s face it  oral sex has some major benefits: It is the easiest way to hook up without actual penetration. For people with strong religious beliefs, blowjobs are the solution to the “no premarital sex” rule. For heterosexual couples, a blowjob is a foolproof version of birth control. And unfortunately, for many gay men, blow jobs are synonymous with safe sex.

At the end of the day, blow jobs are practical, but they don’t do much for me. I could make this column deep, pun intended, and discuss the need to connect emotionally through eye contact, but I’m not convinced my problems run that deep. In fact, I’ve spent some time pondering this dilemma and my conclusions are anything but solid.

Maybe I just haven’t had a good one. When I was with one of my exes, I decided early on that avoiding blow jobs was a good idea. Originally, I blamed it on his braces. After we broke up, the braces were removed, but when we had random ex sex it turned out that the braces weren’t the only problem. He was just pretty bad at blow jobs. Maybe I’ll anonymously ship him some Cosmopolitan magazines so he can improve his technique.

Another of my blow job theories is rooted in science. There is a heated debate about male circumcision, and both sides have valid arguments. Circumcision advocates cite concerns about maintaining cleanliness. The other side relies on, to some degree, the future sexual experience of the boy. Circumcision decreases sensitivity, which can limit the pleasure one experiences, particularly from oral sex. Now, I’m willing to back the argument that circumcision could be the reason I don't like blow jobs based on my own experiences, but I’ve also known plenty of circumcised guys who love blow jobs.

So, where do I go from here? This week, my column is less about giving than soliciting sexual advice. Maybe you share my frustration. All I want is a good blow job, but it seems like that’s about as common as a picture of Miley Cyrus fully clothed.