With April Fools’ Day passing Tuesday, the slew of practical jokes has seemingly ceased, but The Daily Texan once published a much more permanent jest to commemorate the day. 

In 1982, The “Deadly” Texan made its way into the newspaper boxes littered around campus. The insert, full of satirical pieces akin to that which the Texas Travesty would publish today, held no punches in terms of content or possible offensiveness. 

One of the articles, titled “Fetishes of the deans,” graced the pages of this former gag issue. The article detailed the “objects of extreme or irrational reverence or devotion” for each of the University’s deans.

The first dean described was Billye Jean Brown, former dean of the nursing school. Brown is described, vividly, as having a distinct fetish toward blood. “There’s nothing like fresh blood in the morning,” the article humorously attributes to Brown. “You walk into that room, where there’s a patient who bleeds a lot. … And there it is. His blood. Dripping into the hemovac. My hand grips the bed rails.”

Brown then begins to treat the patient, who then asks, “Is there anything wrong, Nurse?”

“I look at him, tears welling in my eyes, biting my bottom lip, trying to control myself,” Brown said. “‘No, it’s just my type of blood, OOOh.’”

As the article continues to survey the sundry fetishes of the deans, it attributes a leather obsession to John Sutton Jr., who was dean of the law school at the time. 

“It started with mah first pair of booties,” said Sutton, who is described as having a noticeable drawl. “Ah still have ’em. They’re not bronzed, jist well-awled.” 

In response to his duties as dean, Sutton responds by invoking his favorite secret, “Once ya git all those straps and snaps and belts tightened up, it’s hard to thing of anything else.”

The article goes on to describe the drug habit of James Doluisio, who was dean of the pharmacy school when this issue was published. 

“I try to keep up with the poisons that young people are putting into their bodies these days,” Doluisio said, removing a “vial of pills from his labcoat.” “These little jewels give you the sensation that you’ve completely left your body and are vacationing at Lake Tahoe.” 

Doluisio then “popped a couple of the little pills into his mouth and washed them down with a handy glass of water.” As the drugs kick in, Doluisio said, “If you need to reach me, I’ve left the name of my hotel with my secretary.”

While these fetishes are meant solely for the sake of humor and do not accurately reflect the statements or actions of any of the deans included, the article’s opening disclaimer proves the only veritable paragraph in the piece. “We often forget that deep down inside deans are ordinary people just like ourselves … [and] people are sometimes a little … er, ah, eccentric.”