Despite Longhorns’ current record, OU still sucks

Editor’s Note: In the spirit of the University of Texas’ friendly rivalry with the University of Oklahoma, the editorial boards of The Daily Texan and The Oklahoma Daily have exchanged editorials. The Red River Rivalry, or the Red River Showdown, as it is now officially known, is played every October in the neutral meeting ground of Dallas and is a time-honored tradition that brings out both the best and, some would say, worst in Texas and Oklahoma football fans. In anticipation of Saturday’s game, both editorials are running in Austin and Norman today. To view the editorial written by The Oklahoma Daily editorial board, click here

It’s that time of year already, the week when we pause to remember that there’s a rogue band of hill people roaming around on the other side of the Red River. 

Last year you came to Dallas undefeated and full of hope. We really thought you had the pieces to make a championship run. Your quarterback had a cool nickname, “Belldozer,” like some off-brand Transformer whose special power is throwing INTs. Your defensive backs were running around pretending they were sharks like some pee-wee soccer team. It was adorable.

But somehow we still managed to beat you. Even with his head-coaching death rattle, Mack Brown was able to hand your school its biggest embarrassment since the 2013 graduating class. 

We weren’t even really trying that hard. Seriously, the MVP was Case McCoy, who didn’t even joke about trying to go to the NFL. That’s right, this time last year you got schooled by a guy who we’re pretty sure is currently selling Cutco knives or something.

But really, are y’all even trying to keep us interested? Your fans can’t even get our hand gesture right. It’s sad looking over to the South End Zone halfway through the second quarter to see that your Hook ‘Em Horns is already drooping downward. And a little strange, since we always figured Sooner men would have exceptionally strong wrists. 

It’s like you’re losing focus. You already lost to TCU, probably because Trevor Knight was too busy sexting Katy Perry. At least we can enjoy her career for these last few days before she becomes an Okie, moves to Norman and starts hanging out at T. J. Maxx.

Now we’re not perfect, we know. We’ve taken our share of hits during a tough rebuilding year, though we’re optimistic. Sure, we lost to BYU, but they have God on their side. You guys just have the Devil, or “Barry Switzer,” whatever he’s calling himself nowadays.

Moving on, though, in light of your school’s refusal to live up to even the most modest of expectations, we’ve decided to go ahead and handicap this game ourselves. You may have noticed we’ve already kicked off several players, including former starters. Just in case that’s not enough, Coach Strong has promised that if we’re still winning at halftime he’ll pull Tyrone Swoopes and let Tony Romo play quarterback. If we go up by 14, he’ll let Big Tex start calling the plays. 

The times really are changing. Coach Strong has brought a new dawn on the 40 Acres. We’re proud to see him enforce his five core values: honesty, treating women with respect and no drugs, stealing or guns. Which means if he were your coach, he’d kick the Ruffnecks out of the program, but he’d have to do it respectfully.

But there is a fundamental difference between our two football programs. When two former Longhorn players were accused of sexaully assaulting a woman, Strong immediately kicked them off the team. After Dorial Green-Beckham and Joe Mixon were accused of battering young women, you gave them scholarships. Actually, it makes a lot more sense now why your local press was comparing Mixon to a young Adrian Peterson last spring.

Face it, your Standards and Compliance office is about as reliable as Sam Bradford’s knees. What do the signs read at the OU Practice Facility? Give us your poor, your tired, your felonious position players with remaining eligibility?

Regardless of your school’s moral code, or lack thereof, we still have a game to play on Saturday. Deep down, there’s a part of us that still feels like embarrassing you on national television. Guess old habits die hard.

We live in a tumultuous period in our nation’s history. From ISIS to the Russians, the news is full of troubling headlines and apocalyptic threats. Wait, sorry, you don’t follow the news, so let us contextualize. Imagine they were going to cancel “Mike and Molly.” Scary, right?

America needs some reassurance that there’s still some good in the world. America needs Texas to beat OU. 

Wait, you don’t think OU is awful? Well, not sure how best to explain this, but you are. We’d rather spend six hours stuck on the tarmac after a Delta flight than attend OU. Matthew McConaughey will actually convince someone to buy a Lincoln before you get us to believe your state isn’t a Roosevelt-era government works projects designed to attract and retain simpletons, like a fly trap, but with more half-finished GEDs. Oklahoma is what “Deliverance” would be like if it were set in a gas station bathroom.

Just how truly awful is Oklahoma? I-35 North is the only time we’ve ever muttered “Thank God” upon seeing a “Welcome to Kansas” sign.

Lastly, the Texas Department of Transportation has issued a warning that there may be delays this weekend because of highway construction, so be advised that OU still sucks.