Despite 1-4 Longhorn start, Oklahoma still sucks

Editor’s Note: In the spirit of the University of Texas’ friendly rivalry with the University of Oklahoma, the editorial boards of The Daily Texan and The Oklahoma Daily have exchanged editorials. Read The Oklahoma Daily's editorial here.

Sooner fans: It wasn’t easy losing so consistently. We had to get truly creative to face you at 1-4.  Opening with a quarterback who hails from a town less than 4 percent the size of our student body? Done. Shanking an extra point at home when our kicker can actually connect from 80 yards out? Nailed it. Fumbling a snap to give Oklahoma State a field goal in the final seconds? We did that, too.

It required ample creativity to enter this rivalry matchup with the lowest ranking in 59 years. We had the best minds of our generation exploring new ways to screw up a punt. That’s how committed we are to embarrassing you this weekend. In the spirit of Donald Trump, we’re going all out. We thought: If we’re going to lose football games, then dammit they’re going to be the most amazing, jaw-dropping, confounding losses we can find. Nearly every team in the country will lose this year. But Texas’ will stand out.

It’s working, too. Even as we sit at the bottom of the Big 12, all anyone can talk about is Texas. Can anyone even remember the last time OU lost? It’s not that it hasn’t happened recently (as Clemson can attest). It’s just that no one cares.

The real ruse, though, is that we lost this all on purpose. When Case McCoy and our unranked Longhorns thumped you in 2013, it was embarrassing. But that team was 3-2 and went to a bowl game. Imagine how bad it will look on Saturday when your Top 10 team loses to a squad too busy releasing rap singles and tweeting to even hear the plays. It will be the biggest embarrassment since your parents told their friends where you were going for college.

We’ve created every last reason for you to win, short of our players assaulting women to kick even more guys out of the program. We leave that to Frank Shannon and your team. But can you handle us?
You have a new starting quarterback again, Baker Mayfield, a former Texas Tech walk-on who knows us well. The transfer didn’t surprise us. It’s a long-standing OU tradition to recruit rejects from Texas schools.

Lucky for Mayfield, he joins the legacy of NFL “greats” Sam Bradford and DeMarco Murray. On that note, Philadelphia wishes you warned it about Sooner players’ NFL shelf life. Really, Murray leaves Texas and drops to 1.6 yards per carry? And Chip Kelly expects players’ ACLs to last longer than three years. But we understand that the Oklahoma medical landscape – like its racial and gender stereotypes landscape – is about half a century behind the times.

To meet you where Norman seems to be in time, we compiled our worst record since 1956. For context, that was before the Civil Rights movement peaked but after Brown v. Board of Education. Yes, the courts did order integration of schools. We invite Oklahoma to join the rest of the country in accepting it.

Coming to Dallas must be like time-traveling to the future for your fans. With world-class museums, galleries, fashion, and architecture, Dallas offers plenty of cultural enrichment.

Then again, finding a Sooner fan in a museum or art exhibit is like finding an OU SAE at a civil rights march. The only explanation is that he must be really lost.

Perhaps it’s fitting we sunk to our 1956 record – the last Red River Rivalry match before Darrell K. Royal got the heck out of Oklahoma and found success here. This time, we’ve got a coach and we’re sticking by him. Your famous coaches are always welcome in Texas, though. Maybe Barry Switzer and Bob Stoops could transfer to the Huntsville Correctional Facility. There, they could continue their favorite hobby: watching over felons.

In this forward-thinking, innovative state, NASA scientists in Houston recently made a discovery. On September 28, 2015, the team discovered water on the surface of Mars. While they could not confirm whether that meant the existence of life outside of Earth, researchers did announce one definitive conclusion: OU still sucks.