Obituary: Sooners mourn the loss of Texas football

Editor’s Note: In the spirit of the University of Texas’ friendly rivalry with the University of Oklahoma, the editorial boards of The Daily Texan and The Oklahoma Daily have exchanged editorials. Read The Daily Texan editorial here.

Texas Longhorns Football, 122, died Saturday, Oct. 10, 2015, at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas following a long and difficult struggle with an Oklahoma offense coordinated by a man who graduated high school just last week.

Further complications arose when he was hit with Baker Mayfield’s whip.

He leaves his estranged wife of 121 years, Texas A&M; his younger, yet more talented, siblings, TCU and Baylor; his daddy, Bob Stoops; and zero close friends.

Texas fell ill suddenly on the first drive of the 2010 National Championship Game and never recovered. The state of the program took an even steeper downturn when he was unable to procure the miracle drug Nick Saban.

When it became apparent Tex would never recover, he was rushed to South Bend, Indiana, for last rites. What he received, however, was anything but right in the eyes of God.

Before his illness, he lived happily in Oklahoma’s shadow — comfortably near, but not quite at the top of the Big 12. Texas was known as a charitable man, even gift-wrapping the Sooners five-straight wins from 2000-04.

Baylor and Texas A&M were incredibly thankful when Tex handed them Robert Griffin III and Johnny Manziel. Legend has it, Texas once tried to recruit Kevin Durant himself as a defensive back.

Although Texas ended up pawning all four of his national title trophies and both Heismans for booze to numb the pain on gameday, his only remaining possession, The Longhorn Network, will be donated to Comedy Central — although there won’t be a marked change in programming.

Texas enjoyed watching many football greats during its lifetime, although very few were actually on his sideline.

Among one of the best to play in Austin was Vince Young, whose younger clone, Jerrod Heard, was suiting up in burnt orange before Texas’ pretty timely death. The resemblance was uncanny, so long as you squinted your eyes and lowered your expectations.

The two even found common ground in the ‘13’ on Heard’s jersey, about as high as Young can count.

Texas spent much of his later life delusional, even losing to Oklahoma State in his final weeks.

His condition worsened to the point Sarah McLachlan took pity and produced a commercial featuring hungry assistant coaches.

Tex is truly now in the arms of an angel.

Tex was surrounded by family at the time of his death, including life partners DeLoss Dodds and Dan Beebe, who were responsible for most of the showers of undeserved respect he received.

Noticeably absent at the time of death were step-father Steve Patterson, who singlehandedly RKO’d Texas’ health into the ground, and son David Ash.

Ash, whom Tex always insisted on calling a “quarterback,” does not remember his time at Texas or what he had for breakfast this morning.

Texas is preceded in death by Oklahoma legend Darrell K Royal; Case McCoy, who was ushered into the next life by Eric Striker back in 2013; his lovable uncle, Nebraska; and Charlie Strong’s chances of winning a championship.

The family has asked that in lieu of flowers, donations be made to a GoFundMe page that has been set up for former Texas assistant coaches who can no longer afford to pay for their own meals.