Our irrefutable case

Since we began our campaign one week ago, many people have dismissed us as a joke. Our qualifications have been questioned. Our brilliant ideas have been impugned. We would like to respond to the vitriolic attacks against our campaign and lay out the compelling case for our election.

We emphatically believe that we are abundantly qualified for service in student government. We are both extremely self-important and self-serving.

What differentiates us from the other candidates is our emphasis on creating tangible change. While our opponents talk a good game, using buzzwords like “diversity” and cute phrases like “tangible change,” we know best how to bridge the gap between yakking about ideals and actualizing them.

All of the candidates participating in this election want to bring people together and foster discourse between the different communities at UT. If any of the other candidates had the foggiest idea about how to break down the barriers that exist between various groups on campus, it seems likely that we wouldn’t be the only ones trying to get a pub built on the 40 Acres. We believe that our fellow Longhorns deserve a place where they can kick back, talk and have a few drinks before class. While the Cactus Café and Bar is probably an exciting venue for centenarians, it doesn’t draw in the hip young crowd we are trying to engage. The slick new watering hole we envision, tentatively replacing the Plan II office, will surely do the trick, allowing students to participate in lively discussion.

A frequently discussed issue around campus is the presence of empty pedestals on the South Mall. Again, we have a plan of action. We applaud the administration for repudiating bigotry and racism by removing the Confederate statues, but further action is necessary. We want to erect statues memorializing the hip hop collective A$AP Mob. By taking down the Confederate statues, we disavowed the values they represented. While it is well and good to declare what we don’t believe in, we consider it equally important to express what we do believe in. As Longhorns, we value diversity and inclusivity. A$AP Mob embodies these values. A$AP Mob is diverse — its members come from all over the New York area. A$AP Mob is inclusive — it let A$AP Ant join even though he is a talentless hack.

While accurately representing our values is the most important consideration, we still must take aesthetics into account. A$AP Rocky, the face of A$AP Mob, made Glamour’s list of the Sexiest Man of the Year 2018. Conspicuously absent from this list were Robert E. Lee, Albert Sidney Johnston and John H. Reagan. We think it is safe to say that our campus will be a more beautiful place once it is adorned by the angelic features of A$AP Rocky.

If we are fortunate enough to become the elected representatives of this great institution, we will deliver concrete and lasting change and do our utmost to make UT the best place possible.

Saraiya is a biology junior. Noble Hernandez is a biomedical engineering junior.