Were you affected by the “stampede” entering Darrell K Royal-Texas Memorial Stadium last Saturday? Did you break your hand after LSU converted the two-point conversion? If so, you might be entitled to compensation. Not by me, but maybe by LSU senior quarterback Joe Burrow. If not, read this and make some money to pay those hospital bills. And as a reminder, I’m not an expert by any stretch of the imagination. I’m just a college student who watches too much college football and places bets he can’t afford — like most of y’all. This weekly column is where I will give you my best bets for the week in college football. I am not responsible for any money lost, so don’t request money from me on Venmo.

Last Week: 2–1

Season Total: 5–1

No. 12 Texas(-31.5) vs. Rice

Hopefully everyone has recovered from Burrow ripping the Texas defense and the Longhorn faithful’s hearts to pieces. Texas head coach Tom Herman’s largest margin of victory since taking over as head coach is 56 points, which came against San Jose State in 2017. Texas’ 31-point victory over Louisiana Tech in Week One is Herman’s second-largest margin of victory. After the way LSU’s offense sliced through the Longhorn defense, I expect something similar to Week One’s result, but 31.5 is a lot for a team that’s only reached that number twice. I would wait to see if the line drops under 30 and pounce on it then. But if not, I still like Texas.

Pick: Texas(31.5)

Lock of the Week

No. 6 Ohio State(-16.5) at Indiana

Last time Indiana lost to the Buckeyes by less than 17? 2015. I might have a major crush on sophomore quarterback Justin Fields, but Ohio State is going to hit 40 points in this game. It’s just a fact. Oh, by the way — *cough* I’m 2–0 in my Lock of the Week picks this year *cough.*

Pick: Ohio State(-16.5)

Degenerate Gambler Pick of the Week

No. 2 Alabama(-25.5) at South Carolina

Fun fact incoming: the last time Alabama and South Carolina played each other was in 2010. Yep, you’re reading that right. Both teams are in the same conference, but haven’t played each other in nearly a decade. Will Muschamp was still the defensive coordinator at Texas. Mack Brown was still the head coach. Garrett Gilbert was the — ah, you get the gist. Anyway, nine years doesn’t change the fact that: a) it’s Alabama, b) Muschamp is still the head coach and c) it’s Alabama.

Pick: Alabama(-25.5)

Future Bet

Heisman Trophy

Maybe it was because he smoked Texas on Saturday night, but did anyone else think Joe Burrow looked like Aaron Rodgers? I mean, did he make a single bad throw? Maybe it was because he had enough time in the pocket to re-enter the transfer portal, get denied eligibility, come back to LSU and then complete a 60-yard pass to one of his talented receivers. This pick ultimately relies on Burrow and LSU knocking off Alabama in Tuscaloosa so, yeah, never mind. But if LSU can get past the Tide, they have a favorable schedule with both Florida and Auburn at home.

Pick: Joe Burrow +750