30: Senior columnist says farewell after scamming us all

Alyssa Fernandez

Editor’s note: A 30 column is a chance for departing permanent staff to say farewell and reflect on their time spent in The Daily Texan’s basement office. The term comes from the old typesetting mark (-30-) to denote the end of a line.

I was once like you.

I was once a nerd. 

However, if you sign up for my eight-week program, you will learn a writing system that I developed over three semesters writing for The Daily Texan. Need an example? Pause, clickity-click your way to one of my older columns, then try to call me a nerd. Yeah, that’s what I thought. 

But I like you, kid. You seem to be a little less pathetic than the rest of these other nerds, so I’m going to give you a preview of what to expect from my program. 

First, value quality over quantity. There’s a lot of people who I should thank for being able to rise to the ranks of a senior columnist, but none deserves more praise than Dmitri. He’s the virtual Russian assistant I’ve hired to write my columns at 10 cents per word. Dmitri comes from the top fake news writing farm in all of Russia, so you know he’s worth every penny. 

Second, remember that you are nothing without your fans. Since you’ll be outsourcing any talent you claim to have, you’ll be needing frequent validation. So, kudos to the anon troll, “Aphatgurl”, and Michael Jensen’s dad. Y’all keep me young. 

Third, keep your people happy and humble. Whenever Dmitri asks me for a raise, not only do I remind him that he’s replaceable but I also remind him that he makes more than all the associate editors combined. 

Now, for only twelve payments of $19.99, you can sign up right now for my eight-week program. Not only will I cover those three tips, but I will also teach you how to schmooze the editor-in-chief, argue with the associate editors and how to find a comfortable sitting position in that godawful couch in the opinion office. 

Or you could just wing it like I did. This place is actually kind of cool, even if y’all are a bunch of nerds — Thanks for letting me be a part of it.

Fernandez is a Spanish and rhetoric and writing senior from Allen.