Dear Oklahoma,

Oklahoma fans might care more about eating turkey legs and avoiding game day traffic than watching the final minutes of their 49-0 loss, but at least this year the Sooners will go to Dallas undefeated. Perhaps the unranked teams the Sooners have won against have prepared them well enough for this game. 

How fitting is it that in the last year we get to call the Big 12 home, we’re the top two ranked teams in the conference? Make sure you put on your sunscreen and please, don’t go too crazy on the corndogs. It’s a long three hour drive with all that food and sadness going on. Oh and let’s agree to put up a little more of a fight this time, yeah? Great, thanks!

Your mascot is a Sooner, and last year your fans took that to heart just like your defense, leaving the game way sooner than it ended. There’s a reason that the game is held at the Texas state fair every year, not Oklahoma’s. This season, y’all seem ready to get out of the Big 12 sooner than Texas, scheduling no challenging preseason games. Texas may have only faced backup quarterbacks for the last three games, but if that happens this week, Oklahoma’s fate will be just like its backup quarterback, Booty. Let’s get ready for a good game at the Texas state fair and allow y’all to leave sooner to beat the I-35 traffic back to Norman.  

No matter what happens on Saturday, at least y’all get to go back to beautiful Norman! I’ve heard that it’s a wonderful place to live. Just ask Lincoln Riley! On a more serious matter, do y’all think you could stay the entire time at the game this year? We got a little lonely in the Cotton Bowl after all your fans left in the fourth quarter. Have some school pride! 

The most relevant thing that has happened since Brent Venables was hired is the General Booty underwear line. While Steve Sarkisian has beaten Alabama, Brent Venables has accomplished the actual ultimate feat, beating Tulsa, since Oklahoma is scared of Power 5 competition. Even though he took an unfortunate loss in his first Red River Rivalry last year, the coach resembling the Green Goblin’s offense must’ve put up at least one point against Texas … right? It’s been 723 days since Oklahoma even scored a point against the Longhorns. The most exciting thing they’ve done in Dallas over the last 24 months is eat funnel cake and cry driving home from the Cotton Bowl in tears. You know what they say, everythings bigger in Texas, I guess that also includes Oklahoma’s losses in Dallas.