Dear Oklahoma, 

How does it feel to be the disappointing addition to the SEC this year? You already lost to the “fake UT,” now it’s time for the “real UT” to claim its victory. There’s a reason why the game is played at the Texas State Fair every year and while it may be called the Red River, it looks pretty orange. I’ve heard Norman is a great place to be, which is why everyone would rather come to Dallas for this game. The Longhorns are the last undefeated team in the SEC, and are not looking for that streak to end any time soon. 

For goodness sakes, your coach had to bench your own starting quarterback under the pressure of SEC competition, which is for the best, since he would’ve made a fool of himself against Texas. It’s way better for the entire team to embarrass itself than just put the blame on one person, am I right? Texas is the No. 1 college football program in the nation – the last time Oklahoma was No. 1 at Red River was when the Twilight saga was released … so Bella … where the hell have you been loca???

I have a joke. Why do people from Texas say “y’all?” Well, it’s because we dropped the two least important letters: OU. 

While the Sooners have been busy making T-shirts and getting Longhorn logos tattooed on their bodies, Texas has been building the No. 1 team in the nation. Don’t act like we forgot what happened after Stutsman focused more on gloating on social media than he did on the gridiron. How did losing to Kansas’ backup two weeks later feel? Does Ollie Gordon II still give you nightmares in your final Bedlam matchup? Remember when Jackson Arnold threw three picks in a bowl game and you still ran Dillon Gabriel out of town? 

Texas fans remember all of that, and they know where you’re at because of that. Arnold isn’t even good enough to start for the nation’s 69th-best scoring offense, and you lost to a man who gave you your last national championship 24 years ago. Somehow, Casey Thompson was alive for that game. Heupel dominated the first three quarters so badly that he had to tell his redshirt freshman quarterback to slow it down, possibly because he knew the home crowd of Sooners couldn’t handle a blow that bad.

Don’t worry, Steve Sarkisian isn’t known for taking his foot off the gas. Does 49-0 ring a bell? Enjoy that Golden Hat for two more days because, it’s not heading north for the rest of that six-year, $51.6 million dollar contract you gave to the 2020s version of Gary Gibbs.