As I’ve discovered during my college career, the normalization of hookup culture, situationships and talking stages breeds miscommunication and emotional turmoil. I have endured my fair share of these tragedies, but I’ve also witnessed girls at parties burst into tears when realizing their unofficial partner was entertaining an entire roster. In fact, according to an Oregon State University study, couples ages 18-25 report a 40% discrepancy in their exclusivity status.
In today’s dating culture, exclusivity should be discussed, not assumed. Unless there’s an explicit agreement, no one owes monogamy just because they’ve gone on a few dates.
“The relationship escalator has been changing, but the way people talk about relationships has changed,” said Nila Dhinaker, business development specialist for The Center for Relationships. “We automatically expect monogamy in every relationship, where the relationship scripts are more open and based on people’s values. People being exclusive isn’t even the default anymore. It’s more of a choice.”
Dating is all about exploring your options. When hiring candidates for a job, you don’t interview the first applicant and settle on a decision. Similarly, you shouldn’t commit to the first person with whom you’ve gone on a few dates without thoughtful consideration. Finding a life partner involves intentionality and a search for long-term compatibility.
“Sometimes with the younger generation that I’ve observed, people jump ahead too quickly,” said Vagdevi Meunier, a licensed psychologist and executive director of The Center for Relationships. “They either have sex too quickly, and then one or both of them start to feel very committed to each other because they had (a physical connection). … They really limit their choices when they do that … not really knowing this person, without really building that stage to trust the foundation of safety and security in a relationship.”
For UT, the KUPID Dating Show exemplifies evaluating potential partners at its finest. A female contestant poses questions to a panel of five male suitors, hidden behind a curtain, to assess their personalities and intentions before choosing a final match.
“We’ve had people actually join the show to find love, and some people want to do it for publicity (or) their friends want them to do it for fun because it is a comedy dating show,” said Evan Rama, business management sophomore and founder of KUPID. “(Contestants) tell us upfront what they’re looking for.”
Aerospace engineering freshman and KUPID contestant Adrian Raj explains his takeaways from his time on the show.
“If you’re authentic (to) yourself, people will love (you),” Raj said. “Not everyone’s going to like you for who you are, but you will always find people who do.”
The solution is simple yet emotionally complex — talk to each other. Before delving into a connection with a person, set your expectations with one another early. There’s no single correct way to navigate a relationship, whether that includes exclusivity or not. Still, unless you’ve clearly defined your intentions, people shouldn’t be upset over something they never sought clarification on.
“The hard part about doing that effectively is many times when people enter these conversations, their main concern is that the other person (understands) them,” said Anita Vangelisti, interim dean for the Moody College of Communication. “Being quiet and taking the time to say, ‘Do I understand you?’ (is) a different step. … It’s important but not as easy as it seems.”
Dating without a mutual understanding can lead to unnecessary heartbreak and confusion. In a world where exclusivity is no longer the default, we owe it to ourselves and the people we date to be honest, intentional and communicative.
Whether you’re looking for something casual or serious, clarity should never be optional.
Lam is a computer science freshman from Mansfield, Texas.
