April Fools’ day is the worst

Elizabeth Williams

Americans are the masters of milking the non-holiday: Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, the list goes on forever. But with the exception of Earth Day — what is that? — the worst offender is none other than April Fools’ Day.

A holiday where people aim to crack jokes and play pranks on others might have a chance of working out if, uh, you know, everyone didn’t already know it was April Fools’ Day. I mean, how oblivious do you have to be to fall for a can of snakes when you clearly know it’s April 1?

Here’s a selection of pranks and what they say about the person trying to pull them.

Empty gum wrapper
“Want a piece of gum?” someone casually asks. “Why, yes, I do!” you giddily reply as you take that shining stick of gum, and unwrap it to reveal nothing but thin air. The empty gum wrapper prank is quite popular year-round, pulled by little siblings, significant others and parents alike. The person that hands you an empty gum wrapper is what I like to call a dream crusher. Do not trust them. 

Can of snakes
The person that tries to pass off a can of mixed nuts on April Fools’ Day desperately needs to update their prank repertoire. This person is also immature and thinks it’s funny to watch other people get poked in the eye with a plastic springy snake thing. They should probably take a hint and grow up. Also, 1955 called. It wants its joke back. Hey-o! But in all seriousness, are these things even in production anymore?

Black-eye telescope
A modern-day Dennis the Menace, the person who gives you a black-eye telescope is obviously jealous of your beauty and thinks you should be playfully taken down a notch. Golly gee, I can’t believe you got me to look into a telescope for absolutely no good reason and now I have a black eye! In this category, points are awarded for black-eye cover-up style. Black-eye sunglasses: tres chic! Black-eye eye patch: Can you say “Arrgh”? 

“I’m Pregnant”
The shocking, life-changing announcement via phone call, text message or screaming it from the mountaintop seems to be all the rage in the past few years. But guess what? It’s not funny. The person who tries to pull this joke will probably text their best friend or parent “Hey, I’m pregnant” followed by “lol jk hppy april foolz!” This person thinks that they’re very edgy and wild for stating something that is potentially life altering and heart attack-inducing on a fake holiday.  

Variations include “I’m getting/I’ve gotten engaged/married,” “we’re over,” “I’m terminally ill” and “I’m gay.” Also, can anyone say “insensitivity?”

Rabbit in a hat
This person isn’t trying to pull an April Fools’ joke. They’re actually a magician, and a pretty darn good one if that rabbit comes out alive. Good for them. Stay friends with them. They’ll be a powerful alliance for the future.