You’ve heard the news. Ebola is happening, and it’s happening everywhere. It seems that a new case of Ebola pops up every day, and if you are anything like I am, you are wondering why on earth we as a nation can’t seem to get our public health act together. We know where Ebola comes from. We know how you get it and pass it on. We know what it takes to stop infected persons from infecting others, and yet, new cases are coming to light daily.

If you’re reading this, there’s a high probability that you have Ebola. And if you don’t already have it, you’re probably going to get it soon. If history is bound to repeat itself, we are in for a rough couple of months. Until the CDC figures out how to stop Ebola from spreading to every nook and cranny of the United States, here are some tips on how to stay healthy and avoid death in the process:

1. Cease contact with everyone and everything. Sorry friends, family and loved ones, but desperate times call for desperate measures. If you haven’t already started preemptively quarantining yourself, go ahead and do that now. 

2. Cancel your winter break trip to West Africa. I know, it sucks — and that your extended family will most likely groan and gripe about not being able to get refunds on airfare — but an Ebola-free New Year’s will be worth it. Better to welcome in 2015 alive than dead. 

3. Don’t go to Dallas. Or New York City. Or Nebraska (as if you were really champing at the bit to go there, anyway). Or Maryland. Or anywhere any of the quarantined people are currently being treated.

4. Move to one of the Poles. Cold weather kills the Ebola virus, right? 

5. Trust no one. Anyone could be a carrier, even that really cool kid you sit next to in class. Fend for yourself and remain on the lookout for warning signs of infected persons. 

6. Don’t be an idiot. If you feel sick, go to the doctor. Don’t release your germs out into the world if you have even the slightest suspicion that you may be infected, especially if you are a doctor working in the medical field. I’m looking at you, Dr. Craig Spencer. C’mon dude, really? What were you thinking?! 

If all else fails, call your parents and tell them you love them, delete any embarrassing and/or incriminating Facebook posts, make your amends and prepare for the impending doom that is Ebola.

Berkeley is a Plan II and public relations sophomore from Austin.