OU Roast Column: Dear Oklahoma

Dear Oklahoma, 

They say keep your enemies close, and it seems like Oklahoma took that a little too literally. Not only are the Sooners following the Longhorns to the SEC, but it looks like Oklahoma is chasing Texas’ 5-7 record from last season. The Sooners made the Gary Patterson-less TCU squad look like Joe Burrow’s Tigers in 2019. We’re not sure exactly where Patterson is at the moment, but we’re sure he’s smiling. Come to think of it, we think Oklahoma also lost to that LSU team, but we can’t remember if it was a close game or not.

College football isn’t the only thing that Sooners struggle in. Shoutout to former Lincoln Riley products Kyler Murray and Baker Mayfield for pitching one of the most horrendous NFL games we’ve regrettably watched. It takes an amount of skill and pride to play worse than Mayfield, but Murray tried. Both quarterbacks combined for three interceptions and just three passing touchdowns. The only reason the Cardinals won is because the Call of Duty servers were down, and Murray was forced to watch some film. I’m sure both quarterbacks will pay closer attention to the Red River Rivalry than they will in their own games on Sunday.

There should be an addendum that Oklahoma can’t claim Jalen Hurts, though. Unfortunately, that title remains with Steve Sarkisian and Lincoln Riley — whom the Sooners also can’t claim anymore.

It’s no coincidence that Oklahoma has a quarterback named General Booty. His last name perfectly encapsulates the season y’all are having. The jokes just write themselves! It’s really unfortunate that the Sooners couldn’t even keep Caleb Williams past his freshman year. But who can blame him? We are talking about the same people who thought Spencer Rattler deserved the starting spot. His decision ultimately came down to whether or not Oklahoma could turn him into an NFL superstar, and Murray and Mayfield sure don’t seem to be helping in that department. Oklahoma wasn’t the only one that was Rattle-d, because the new South Carolina quarterback isn’t leading the Gamecocks anywhere special.

You would think Lincoln Riley would’ve wanted to stay with the Sooners for the long haul. He had everything a head coach could dream of: a historic football program, a great quarterback and a top-tier wide receiver in Mario Williams. Unfortunately, Norman must’ve been enough in itself to make Riley think leaving all of that to go to USC, which finished 4-8 the year before, was a good idea. Oh, and now y’all get to experience the headache that comes in a head coach’s first season. It’s funny how life turns out. See y’all in Dallas!