Watching a friend make a decision with which you disagree is a common experience. Maybe they go back to a toxic ex, or perhaps they fail to prioritize responsibilities. It’s natural to hate seeing your friends make choices you know won’t end well, and sometimes you just want to grab them by the shoulders and snap them out of it. But trying to force your friends into the “right choice” isn’t the answer. Healthy friendships aren’t about control; they’re about support, respect and being there when things go wrong.
“There’s a concept called reactance that says we love to have a sense of freedom, and when somebody tells us we can’t do something, we want to do it,” said John Daly, professor in the Department of Communication Studies.
Despite valid concerns, pressuring friends often backfires, driving them toward what you oppose and leaving them feeling dismissed.
“Sometimes those (pressuring behaviors) show a real lack of respect for the other person’s ability, propensity and right to make their own decisions,” said Anita Vangelisti, interim dean of Moody College of Communication.
It’s important to allow your friends space to make their own life choices if you want to maintain a stable friendship. Pressuring them can send the wrong message.
“It makes me feel like you don’t really care about me, you just care about what’s better for you,” sports management junior Rolando Estrada said. “We’re not the same person. We don’t think the same.”
These interactions leave your friends feeling unsupported and disrespected. There are healthier ways to voice your opinion.
Daly suggests that instead of pressuring your friends, you should first determine if you’re the right person to help and if it’s the right time to address concerns. Then, ask solution-oriented questions instead of blaming questions to ensure you’re not making your friend defensive, but rather helping them think through the decision and feel understood.
For instance, I was recently involved with a guy that one of my close friends hated. My friend threatened to end our friendship if I didn’t cut him off. While I appreciated the concern, I felt attacked and disrespected. I eventually stopped talking to the guy, but my friend’s reaction resulted in a strained relationship between us.
At the same time, there are situations where stepping in is necessary.
When it comes to situations that put your friend’s safety at risk, it’s important to intervene and prevent harm. It’s also important to set boundaries if their actions affect you. What’s not right is trying to control something that’s a matter of ideology.
“You have no right to tell people what to do (unless) it’s something that’s going to impose on you, which is a little bit different,” Daly said. “A friend supports them, unless it’s really, really, really, absolutely dangerous.”
Friendships thrive on respect and support, not control. It’s important to practice healthier communication methods in the correct setting to offer opinions, ask questions and set boundaries when necessary. Ultimately, you have to let your friends live their lives, just as you want to live your own. You can respectfully guide them towards what you think is right, but your job as a friend is to be there when they need you, not to push them away.
Cintron is a journalism sophomore from Houston, Texas.
