I had never used a sex toy with another individual until about a year ago, and it wasn’t planned — I stumbled upon them while snooping. Thank god I did. I was a bit shocked at first as I didn’t think of the guy I was seeing at the time to be the sex toy type, but he was, and who was I to judge?
I think his collection of toys had actually managed to save the sexual aspect of our relationship. He was a very sweet guy, but he just didn’t know how to get me there. Our sex was no longer just about him and his pleasure. I was finally part of the experience, in the sense that I was finally able to finish too. With toys, we relieved ourselves of the pressure of having to make each other climax without any help. Thank you sparkly pink dildo, I love you.
We broke up a few months after that, but I’ve always encouraged the use of toys with my sexual partners after that experience. I find that while they don’t replace the pleasure that comes from having physical intimacy with another human, toys do enhance it.
“There are no hands in this world that can imitate the vibration of (a sex toy),” said Vielka Kano, certified sex therapist. “I don’t consider them toys. They’re tools … needed to have pleasure. Some people at any age cannot have an orgasm from just penetration alone. ”
While it can be intimidating to ask a partner to include toys in the bedroom, we have to remember they’re not there to do all the work. Like Kano said, toys are there to add new sensations of pleasure, not subtract our sexual partners from the equation.
“For (the) young population, … they’re having a lot of sex, but it’s not good sex,” said Kano. “So getting used to talking about sex before having sex is really important, and to have that conversation about toys, … this beautiful thing (of) ‘Oh my god … I heard about this! … and what do you think about it?’”
I agree with Kano. Being a member of the younger generation who’s had a lot of mid-tier sex, I could only assume that having a conversation beforehand on what tickled our imaginations would’ve made those experiences much better. Now, I see those conversations as non-negotiable. Before having sex, it’s important to know what you’re doing, what it takes for the other person to finish and what tools you can use together to cross that finish line.
“I think the sex toy could take the pressure off yourself,” said English senior Mimi Bhalla. “It’s less about … ‘Am I doing everything perfect?’”
Sex isn’t meant to be perfect, and it probably never will be. Sex toys can help relieve some of the pressure created by the unrealistic expectations many people place on sex. As Kano mentioned, the human body simply can’t perform at the same level of consistency or intensity as a toy — and that’s completely okay. That’s exactly what toys are for: they’re tools designed to enhance pleasure and help people reach their own version of nirvana.
Espinoza is a rhetoric and writing and journalism junior from Laredo, Texas.
