Texas vs. OU

Editor’s note: Each year before the Red River Rivalry, The Daily Texan exchanges editorials with OU’s student newspaper, The Oklahoma Daily.

OU sucks

by The Daily Texan Editorial Board

If you are reading this, congratulations. You’ve already surpassed what we thought to be the mental capacity of an OU student.

We at The Daily Texan think it’s just adorable that your football team would care to play us once again despite losing four out of the past five seasons.

While A&M is our disappointing little brother, always trying so hard but laughably failing to be significant, we feel that your university is more akin to our awkward uncle — he used to be really buff in the 1980s when he was taking steroids but is now a shell of his former self, constantly asking others to pull his finger for attention.

I’ll level with you — we’ve never really taken the time to consider the idea of Oklahoma, so we figured we’d just Google it. What we found was a Broadway play and a bunch of public urination arrest warrants.

We would comment on the inferiority of the members of your team individually, but we can’t seem to think of any of note. Plus, we hate to criticize our fellow Texans.

Regardless, we don’t understand why you feel so much hostility toward our school — after all, we did send Kevin Durant on a mission trip to Oklahoma City to attempt to make your state relevant. God bless his charitable heart.

It’s just not in our nature to be combative. Longhorns are lovers, not fighters. After all, Men’s Health Magazine recently named Austin the most sexually active city in America. We tried to find Norman on the list, but then we realized farm animals weren’t accounted for in the study.

We feel it’s unnecessary to constantly hold your horns downward while playing against other teams, regardless of how flattering we may find it. It’s a cute gesture to always symbolize your status below us in the conference rankings, but the obsessive acknowledgment of our superior university isn’t necessary. Plus, we already get plenty of media exposure as it is, as you will learn once “television” finds its way to Oklahoma.

Really, it’s not that we hate OU or anything; we’re just hurt that your state has yet to issue an apology to the nation for producing Toby Keith. Shame on you.

I suppose this is the part where we compare the world-class academics at the University of Texas to whatever you have at OU. We could discuss the breakthrough research done in Austin, the competitively-selected student body or the dozens of nationally renowned programs at our university, but this would all be a waste of time. Comparing the quality of education at UT-Austin to the University of Oklahoma would be like pitting Heidi Klum against a microwave in a beauty contest.

We’re sure you’ll poke fun at our disappointing loss to UCLA last weekend. Perhaps the toughest part of the upset is that it ended our 36-week streak of being ranked in the top 10. Admittedly, our fans took the defeat pretty hard. We wish we could have taken it in stride like your fan base does, but we just aren’t used to losing big games. As sad as we are, we realize all streaks must end. After all, y’all won a bowl game last year.

Honestly, we’re sure that you’re all kind, hard-working individuals, but this simply does not detract from the fact that on an empirical level, you suck.

Good luck at the game and hook ‘em horns!

Love always and forever and ever,
The Daily Texan

No we don't

by The Oklahoma Daily Editorial Board

We would like to extend our sincerest condolences to you, University of Texas.

While we relished in UCLA’s 34-12 utter stompdown of your usually decent football team, we couldn’t help but feel a little sorry for you.

There’s no doubt we’ve had our own problems and many of our players are still inexperienced, but there’s a crucial difference: We’ve won all of our games this year.

What happened, Texas? When the underdog comes biting, you roll over and die like a little punk-ass bitch?

Please don’t die on us like that Saturday; at least make it a good game.

We love the Red River Rivalry. It sucks a little bit because we have to go to Texas, but at least the game is a lot of fun to watch, because no matter who wins, both teams are often on the same level of play.

During the previous decade, the games have usually been within 10 to 20 points, providing some great entertainment — besides our 2000 and 2003 thrashings we delivered to you — 63-14 and 65-13, respectively — those games just got old.

So please, UT, make our forced exodus to your cesspool of a state worth it, because there’s really no other reason to be there.

Here are just a few developments out of your state that prove it could be fairly titled the “scrotum of America.”

Take the Texas State Board of Education, which wants to replace public school teachers with little “Führers.”

The board’s latest attempt to reshape history to fit its xenophobic worldview is its approval to strike out “pro-Islam” biases in world history textbooks.

The resolution says textbooks that devote more lines to Islamic beliefs and practices than to Christian ones should no longer be used.

Yes, we remember finding ourselves strangely willing to convert to Islam after reading about the Ottoman Empire in Glencoe’s world history textbook.

Come on Texas, how could you let Islam gain an edge over our nation’s dominant religion? In place of the lines about Islam, Texas ought to add more about Christianity’s brutal smackdown of Islam during the Crusades. That way, students will know whose God is tougher. No other time period displays Christianity’s superior status. As Jesus said, “Let he who is without sin kick the first ass.”

You wouldn’t think Texas would have such a bigotry problem, given the fact that UT only accepts the top 10 percent of high school graduates. But this elitist mindset just fuels the state’s blatant “brain drain” problem.

Obviously, this doesn’t stop the best and brightest from fleeing the state in droves, leaving only those who ought to readily admit their KKK membership.

Still not convinced you live in hell incarnate? Your very own state Sen. Eliot Shapleigh, D-El Paso, has even admitted Texas is the worst state in the nation.

In his report, generously titled “Texas on the Brink” (we would’ve preferred “Texas – What Else Could You Expect?”), Shapleigh gives a few statistics on your state’s utter failure at existence. Here are a few favorites:

-No wonder your state education blows — teacher pay ranks 49th in the nation.

-How’s that abstinence-only education working out for you? At least 80,050 teen moms, reported by the Guttmacher Institute in 2004, no longer believe storks deliver babies. Congratulations, you rank first in the nation in teen pregnancy!

-Democracy? Why bother? Citizens of Texas don’t have any hope that things will change: The number of registered voters who actually vote is last in the nation. And Texas ranks third in the nation for number of convicted public officials.

-Obamacare won’t kill your citizens; Texas politicians are happy to do it for you. Those who voted against the federal health care bill weren’t worried about death panels; they just didn’t want to abandon their state-of-the-art, citizen-killing health system. A whole quarter of the Texas population is uninsured.

We disagree with all of those who fought to make sure Texas didn’t secede from the Union. The U.S. would have been better off without you.