After building up the courage to ask out the person you have feelings for, the thought of being told “no” feels like a punch to the gut. You might pick apart your perceived flaws or preemptively imagine a negative reaction. Maybe you’ll even question if you’re unlovable.
Although it’s often treated as our best or only chance at finding love, college is an especially vulnerable moment in our lives. Away from home, surrounded by strangers and facing the same adolescent insecurities, the prospect of rejection seems all the more terrifying. It’s tempting to suppress your emotions at the thought of being turned down or even give up on finding love altogether.
However, this fear can be more damaging than getting turned down. Romantic rejection can be painful, humiliating and terrifying, but it’s also necessary. According to an International Association for Relationship Research study, evidence suggests that “people perceive missed romantic opportunities to be a more consequential and regrettable outcome than rejection.” Suppressing your emotions leads to considerably more regret.
“(Fearing rejection) just made me stop advancing,” biology freshman Aspen Dixon said. “I closed myself off to people, and I never reached out, especially romantically, and it made me not even want to reach out on a friendly basis.”
Facing rejection head-on can help you grow by allowing you to reframe it as an opportunity rather than a personal attack. Examine your weaknesses and learn to accept what you can’t change.
“When romantic rejection is done nicely, and you can see that it’s not the end of the world, then you can be benefitted,” Dixon said. “You can grow from it and you can learn from it.”
John Daly, a professor in the Department of Communication Studies, specializes in interpersonal relationships. He provides a list of tips for students dealing with rejection, which ranges from treating dating like a numbers game to throwing yourself into exercise. However, his number one suggestion is to embrace it.
“Facing rejection is part of the deal,” Daly said. “If you don’t make the ask, it can’t happen. So I tell people, practice making the ask in every part of your life.”
Coping with rejection is an essential skill. Whether from a university, a job or a prospective romantic partner, everyone has to face being told “no” at some point. Learning how to cope with the emotions that rejection triggers will save you heartache later and might even bring you unexpected opportunities. After all, when you ask enough, someone will eventually say “yes.”
“It’s scary to ask,” Daly said. “When somebody rejects you, it’s like rejecting you as a person. “It’s kind of like writing a really vulnerable essay and getting a C on it. It doesn’t feel good, right? But, you can also look at the essay and say, ‘Why did I get that C?’”
It’s OK to feel embarrassed, hurt or even hopeless in pursuing human connection. What matters is that you try because it’s impossible to evolve when fear makes you stagnant. You don’t have to like romantic rejection or actively seek it out every chance you get. But when looking for love, it’s important to recognize that rejection is part of the journey.
As campus becomes saturated with loving couples and romantic gestures, remember that you have nothing to lose by communicating your feelings — and everything to gain. If you have feelings for someone, take the leap even if you’re afraid of their response. Whether it’s positive or negative, you’ll grow from the experience.
Tuscano is a government freshman from Round Rock, Texas.
