Editor’s Note: Since Texas reentered the SEC, the Texas vs. Texas A&M Rivalry was reingited. Similar to our Red River Rivalry “Dear OU” column, our staff prepared a roast column in the spirit of the game. Find A&M’s responses in our joint-Rivalry magazine or in the e-edition.
Nicholas Kingman, Double Coverage Editor
Your obsession with us makes me sick — quite honestly, it’s weird. I understand that y’all are so jealous of everything we do. We are better at academics, athletics, campus life or any other B.S. metric that USAToday throws up every single year around application season.
The Aggie Ring Dunk tradition is terribly unsanitary. Do you know how many people touched that ring before you dropped it into that cheap ass beer? I expect nothing less from a cow school …
Also, y’all have done insurmountable damage to Texan culture outside of the state. I don’t know how many Northerners have asked me if we actually say “Howdy” as a casual greeting.
Thank you for making everyone think we are a bunch of characters out of a poorly written western movie.
Lauren Hightower, Sports Editor
Speaking of unsanitary, you would think that the Midnight Yell kissing tradition would be completely gone after COVID-19. I mean, maybe I would get the magic of it if people actually had lighters like back in the day, but holding up your phone just feels desperate and gross.
Also, can you really say that you are a blue-collar, agricultural school if a large portion of the student body drives around Porsches or Teslas that were paid for by their daddies? I mean, I wouldn’t say UT is much better, but at least we have never claimed to be. Once y’all entered the SEC, it was almost like you threw away what A&M used to be.
Alistair Manliguez, Senior Sports Reporter
Aggies, please enjoy your time in Austin. After all, it’s far and away from wherever College Station is. It truly baffles me that after all these years, you guys have not accepted your role as the little brother in this relationship.
Do 77 Longhorn wins compared to 37 losses on the gridiron not tell you Aggies enough? Y’all always tell us that we’re obsessed because of a singular line in our fight song, but let’s not get started on how the Aggie War Hymn is all about a Longhorn.
As big brother, I’d suggest you hit the books and take a look at why you Aggies are our little brothers. Maybe Reveille has been barking in y’all’s classes too much, and that’s why you guys haven’t hit the books yet?
Meaghan English, Associate Sports Editor
The rumors are true — we do, indeed, have a bigger travel budget than The Battalion. But that’s a low bar. I’d say ask Texas A&M Athletics for help, but after losing $15.2 million in baseball, softball and basketball revenue last year, they may be in the same sticky situation as y’all.
Besides, with the minuscule size of the sports department, how much of a travel budget do y’all need anyway?
Zach Davis, Sports Desk Editor
If your “campus” didn’t look like a scene from a horror movie, I might be more interested in visiting College Station. But thankfully, I don’t have to do that this year.
You guys come to us — enjoy the music and the city. I know they say to keep Austin weird, but I don’t think the city will ever get as weird as the weekend you guys are here. I recommend Shakespeare’s or Aquarium for a true Austinite experience!
Kylee Howard, Managing Editor
I’m sorry ChatGPT didn’t generate a good enough application to UT for you. Transfer applications are open, maybe use CoPilot this time?
Matthew Gomez, Associate Managing Editor
The Aggies call it “tradition,” but most of their traditions look like they were invented by people who got lost on their way to an actual football trophy.
The score is 77–37 Longhorns. Honestly, it’s cute how College Station keeps trying to compete with Austin. A petting zoo trying to outdo the zoo. A Hot Wheels car wanting to race a Corvette. A e-readers mouse trying to fight a Longhorn.
Don’t compete where you don’t compare, little brothers. Enjoy Austin, hope it’s not too weird for you.
Newton Tran, Associate Managing Editor
Your yell leaders are glorified twinks.
